Forgiveness When it Hurts

Today was a struggle. Sometimes several trials happen within one week. This was one of those weeks. I've had to be strong my entire life, even if the strength comes solely from God. I do well most of the time focusing on the tasks at hand and not the pain I'm experiencing, but today I was forced to face the pain once again.

Over the years since my divorce, my ex-husband has repeatedly called child protective services against me. Every single year, beginning in 2015, except 2021-2023. Sometimes more than once a year and sometimes the calls are not investigated, so who knows how many for sure. Each time, however, the allegations have been not-confirmed and my life then resumes as usual (also under his constant ridicule and hate). This year, we faced custody hearings again. He is not happy that God led a great man to be my husband and step-father to our children. He believes I'm still a great mother, but he can't allow the truth to prevail. The only chance he has to hurt me is to have my children removed from my care/custody. He knows there is nothing to ensure it happens, which is why the constant reports to CPS happen. This time, he told our oldest to "find evidence" against me. As mentioned in another post, my daughter and I have an estranged relationship, and he knows how to manipulate others. CPS was called once again. At first I thought he had made the report. As I kept thinking about the allegations, it was more than things he could have been told and it wasn't adding up. I soon realized that my daughter had played a role in the report. Later that evening, I became aware that my sister and mom were also involved. This caused more pain than I could have imagined. I then read message after message where my sister was creating the wedge between my daughter and I. My sister had always told me to my face that she only wanted to help our relationship. This was not true. She even stated that night "I don't think you're a bad mom. I support you." All the while, knowing what she had been telling my daughter over the years behind my back. She said I use people and will never change, I don't love my adopted daughter and only wanted her for adoption payments, I only care about money, and many other demeaning things. She has told my daughter I have ruined other people financially and family have given me money, including herself. In reality, none of them had helped me. During my previous marriage, I was constantly derailed by my ex-husband and we struggled greatly with finances. Family did help at times during those years. But, once I had divorced him, I never had large amounts of money given or loaned to me except one time - my grandparents loaned me the money for the down payment on my first home. I was a home owner for the first time and as a single mother! :) God is good! I repaid the loan, with interest not requested for, the following year! My integrity with my family had been ruined during my marriage, but I was immediately rebuilding and regaining that integrity when it ended.

Apparently, my success and happiness was despised by my sister. What else explains why a sister would turn against her own sister? Past incidents were now making sense! One being when a couple at our church had angrily expressed spite against other church members, who were our friends. My sister and I were hurt and angry at the statements stated during that incident. The following week, we asked for clarification and the couple stated I was the main reason. Someone had told them that I was leading a revolt against their choice of literature for our class. This lie and betrayal hurt deep. I was unable to sit through the worship service, due to crying. Over the next few weeks, my sister said she was not going to do anything or say anything to our pastor because the issue they had was with me and not her friends. Who was I to her?? Apparently not a friend or loved one! That's exactly how she continues to see me and also as someone she has to be in competition with at all times. Me, on the other hand, am in competition with no one except myself - to be better than the day before, every day.

Back to the CPS issue...that weekend I got married. Yes, married! On a Saturday. During that weekend, my oldest was supposed to be staying at my home to be with her siblings during the night and to be watching our pets. Instead, she took them with her to my sister's house and left the pets at home unattended, except the short periods they would let them outside and back inside. During this time, I was also packing up my classroom, packing up my house to move, and planning the details of my wedding. I spent two straight weeks focusing on those three things and the young teens were left in charge of the house. I was struggling to do it all and was very stressed. There is no excuse for letting something go to the way side. I just could not physically nor mentally do it all alone. Friends were helping me through the weeknights creating my flower arrangements, providing my dress, and assisting in decorating. The children (except daughters) and I left the following Monday after my wedding, to our official home as a family. We returned that Thursday to my home. Well, one of the dogs had apparently relieved himself in my laundry room due to being left alone that previous weekend. I immediately had one of the children clean it up and I went to run errands. While I was away from the house, a police officer came by for a "welfare check." She saw nothing inappropriate and the boys said they were fine. My family pretended to not be aware of anything. My sister asked for all of the children to stay the night with her that night. I was reluctant and she politely urged me that it was okay. I ended up agreeing. The following morning, CPS came to my home. Allegations included physical abuse to my young daughter (including bruises), I love my sons more than my daughters, my home being covered in dog feces and cat feces/urine, and that my new husband threatened to kill my children with a gun. You read that right! These allegations came from my mom and sister, who had been talking badly about me in front of my young daughter. They convinced her that I was a mean mom and did not love her. (My youngest has diagnosed struggles and she is easily manipulated and misled. She just wants to fit in with whomever she is with at the moment and will say and do whatever/anything to accomplish her appearing to be accepted and given attention. She does not understand true attachment or love. It breaks my heart!) During this time, true things were misconstrued and exaggerated into negative things, allegations were made, and a plan conceived. My sister took my youngest to her counselor and had a session without my consent, along with my older teen daughter. They all stated these false allegations and a CPS report was made. My youngest was honest with CPS about these things, no bruises were present, and they did not find my home as alleged. The worker stated the case was being closed "unsubstantiated." Come the court hearing for custody, my family testified on behalf of my ex-husband, whom they always bashed and did not like. I cannot fathom their reasoning or excuses they tell themselves. Testimony included numerous lies and as if I was always dependent on their assistance. My heart was broken and the pain comes and goes. I was awarded to keep custody, since no evident supported the allegations or that I am unfit as a mother.

This week, my ex-husband has called CPS where we live now and restated half of the same allegations. Once again, we have to explain the circumstances and face the hate and lies.

How does he continue get away with all of these false reports, without consequence? Why will he not allow me to live my life happily, while he is remarried and living as he wants? What do you do when those you love most allow fear and resentment to overshadow the truth with exaggeration and lies? When they seek your demise and loss - loss of children, reputation, and dignity? When betrayal and false love hurt you beyond anything you've ever experienced before?

It's so much to bear sometimes. Too much today. I need the strength only God can give. Life isn't fair and this world is cruel, but God is still good. I know this. I rest in His arms and lean into the power of his grace and mercy. I'm not good. We're not good. But God is good! All the time!

I have learned that the only path forward is through forgiveness. The only path to healing is through forgiveness. What if they don't deserve it? Well, no one deserves it, not even myself.

Reject the desire for revenge. God will have vengeance and He will take care of justice. Refuse resentment. No one comes short of the grace of God. Replace the incident with God's truth. Our brains are a great recorder. Some things make a deep imprint on us. Our brains record both true and false statements about ourselves. Choose to focus on the truths God has spoken. God is truth and He knows the truth. Ask God to reveal the truth. He will.

I am happy and I am blessed, today and forever. God has given His protection and promises. GOD IS FAITHFUL!!